Sexiest / Least Sexy / Most Subjective / Smurfiest
Impossibilities lead to interesting questions.
Tonight’s comic was a rough one to edit because, let’s face it, there’s no sexiest and least sexy musician or album. Not in any absolute sense. I went with a Thriller/Purple Rain combo because they have a relationship as artifacts of the eighties and their creators bring with them plenty of baggage.
I almost swapped out Prince for P.J. Harvey, Cat Power Metric or Giant Drag. I almost swapped out Michael Jackson for Aphex Twin or Captain Beefheart. But then I started thinking, “There are people out there who have sex to Trout Mark Replica!”
There are probably people out there who do it to the Ewok Yub Yub song. There are probably people who make out to the theme from Speed Racer. I probably know some of them.
The big question today- what are your sexiest and least sexy albums or artists? I chose what I chose for the sake of the joke. What do you choose for the sake of romance? I’ll remix the best answer into a new version of the comic.
July 8th, 2009 at 12:51 am
least sexy: Anything Weird Al or Adam Sandler, for the very simple and functional reason that you can’t make out if you can’t stop laughing.
sexiest: Poe – Angry Johnny: nothing like delicate, creative metaphors of violence to get you in the mood! Also, sultry voice. “I wanna blow you… away.”
July 8th, 2009 at 12:52 am
Sexiest: The Girl and The Robot by Royskopp
Least Sexiest: Now You’re A Man by DVDA
I chose The Girl and The Robot without even thinking about your comic either, which frightens me. Get out of my mind please.
July 8th, 2009 at 12:52 am
I had some amazing sex to Meat is Murder once.
Sticking to England, I can’t imagine fucking to any of Art Brut’s music, since I would not only wind up loling, but I would also want a beer and Eddie Argos.
July 8th, 2009 at 12:54 am
Art Brut = EXTREMELY NON SEXY.
That is coming from someone who thinks the B-52s is a fine way to seduce a lady.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:00 am
I actually know what Valery means about the laughter. I once had the Across the Universe soundtrack on when I had an unexpected visitor, and it worked very well as make-out music until Eddie Izzard came on singing “Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite.” Funny, yes, but a mood-killer.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:06 am
In Ghost Colours=sexy.
Steel Wheels=not sexy.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:07 am
Most sexy: Bolero, by Maurice Ravel. If Bolero doesn’t get you in the mood, you officially have no libido.
Least sexy: two words. Spice. Girls.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:09 am
sexiest: ‘Becoming X’ by the Sneaker Pimps
least sexy: ‘Sports’ by Huey Lewis and the News
July 8th, 2009 at 1:10 am
Sexiest: Takk… Sigur Ros
Unsexiest: Early Bob Dylan
BONUS: Doctor Who Theme Tune
July 8th, 2009 at 1:16 am
I’ve also had Menomena-related makeouts with three different boys now that I think about it.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:22 am
Sure it’s shallow. Sure it’s based totally upon sex appeal. But ladies and gentlemen, I give you two musicians who might very well be physical antonyms: Tiny Tim & David Bowie.
http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t115/LadyAttercop/dsremix.jpg
July 8th, 2009 at 1:33 am
anti-sexy: Hanson’s MMMBop
also, and more so: anything by The Wiggles
July 8th, 2009 at 1:41 am
Saxxy – Digital Bath, Deftones
ColdShowerville:There is a mountain filled with blood, Consolidated
(Don’t ask me how I know)
July 8th, 2009 at 1:45 am
Easy.
Sexiest (TIE): Warren Zevon’s Self Titled, Dire Strait’s “Making Movies”
Least Sexiest: Black Sabbath “The Mob Rules” Good Album, but I can’t Fornicate to it.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:47 am
I’m not sure about the sexiest, but the Star Wars Imperial March stopped my girlfriend and I cold when my mp3 player randomly selected it.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:48 am
Love to Love Ya Baby – Donna Summer = Sexy
I Need a Lover (That Won’t Drive me Crazy)-Mellencamp = No Sexy and too honest
-*Zortag*-
July 8th, 2009 at 1:51 am
Sexiest: Anything involving Inara George, esp. her early days with the band Merrick, but also plentyof her Bird & the Bee work, such as F***ing Boyfriend, Again & Again, and their cover of How Deep Is Your Love (ay de mi)
Unsexiest: Colony of Birchmen, by Mastodon.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:55 am
Not so much an album but a song. I really wanted to lose my virginity
to Janice Joplin’s Summertime but I was to drunk to figure out how to
pop the cassette in the jambox. And no, that wasn’t a metaphor, seriously
I was that drunk. I still haven’t had sex to that song. I need to rectify that.
Least sexist song: the Friday the 13th theme music. That Ha-ha-ha-ha Che-
Che-Che. Eeww, gives me the willies. And that wasn’t a metaphor either.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:56 am
Not so much an album but a song. I really wanted to lose my virginity to Janice Joplin’s Summertime but I was to drunk to figure out how to pop the cassette in the jambox. And no, that wasn’t a metaphor, seriously I was that drunk. I still haven’t had sex to that song. I need to rectify that.
Least sexist song: the Friday the 13th theme music. That Ha-ha-ha-ha Che-Che-Che. Eeww, gives me the willies. And that wasn’t a metaphor either.
July 8th, 2009 at 2:08 am
Sexiest: The Cure, Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me
Least Sexy: The soundtrack to “Grease”
July 8th, 2009 at 2:09 am
Sexiest: Just about anything by Kate Bush
Least sexy: Just about anything by Throbbing Gristle
July 8th, 2009 at 2:18 am
Sexiest: holy diver by Dio
Least sexy: Illinoise by Sufjan Stevens – its just too sad
July 8th, 2009 at 2:18 am
Least Sexy: My Sharona. Guaranteed to ruin any sex you are currently having.
Most Sexy: Sade. Although I’m happy with anything with decent BPMs….goth/industrial playlist, here I come! …no pun intended.
July 8th, 2009 at 2:23 am
Anti: Most techno. Good for dancing, bad for loving. I illustrated this fact here:
http://twitpic.com/9nvml
Posi: Lucky People Centre “Interspecies communication”. Good for dancing too.
No illustration.
July 8th, 2009 at 2:43 am
Sexiest: “Snakefarm” by Anna Domino. Creepy, sure, but that lady can drag a consonant and the backing music is exactly lovemaking-stellar
Least Sexy: “Fingertips” by They Might Be Giants. I <3 TMBG, but that song is too absurd and schizophrenic to really work. It’s like 20 little boner-killers
July 8th, 2009 at 2:55 am
Sexy: Gotta agree on the Inara George.
Is Boyz II Men sexy? I mean, not really my thing, but the band name seems appropriate.
Least sexy: Raffi. I mean, sure, Baby Beluga may swim so wild and swim so free, but dude, that’s creepy.
July 8th, 2009 at 3:00 am
can I change my answer of Least Sexy to Raffi also. That’s genius
July 8th, 2009 at 3:45 am
Well, Illinoise is decent post-coital cuddle music, as it happens.
Really sexy album I recently discovered: Divorce Lawyers I Shaved My Head by Jordaan Mason and the Horse Museum. Have not tried out, may turn out to be anti-sexy. It’s a lot like Neutral Milk Hotel, which again, really depends on taste. If you mind your subconscious being prodded in uncomfortable ways, it’ll stop you.
Sexy: Animal Collective
Oh man, would SO fuck to the Speed Racer song.
However, probably would be stopped cold by a lot of Devo. Sadly. Also: Genghis Tron. The Residents. I’ve been mostly steering clear of unsexy music, interestingly enough.
July 8th, 2009 at 3:56 am
delirium’s album “poem” is great for makeouts. for shagging, tool’s “aenima”. what can i say, maynard does it for me.
least sexy: “lay lady lay”. song just creeps me right out.
July 8th, 2009 at 4:04 am
I’m not one for background music, but Air is very, very sexy. I can’t even listen to most songs without wanting to grab someone and make out. Same goes for most of Zero 7’s stuff.
As noted, anything that makes you laugh is firmly in the unsexy category, but the same goes for anything screechy and annoying. The opening to “Lucky Star” springs to mind. Any song you absolutely HAVE to sing along to can go in this category as well.
July 8th, 2009 at 4:20 am
Sexy?
Leonard Cohen, ‘I’m Your Man’.
Or Dire Straits ‘Brothers in Arms’.
Not Sexy?
Pink Floyd, ‘The Wall’.
John Ashcroft ‘In the Spirit of Life and Liberty and Gospel (Music) According to John.’
July 8th, 2009 at 4:22 am
I once had sex to the Carousel of Progress song from 1960’s Disneyland.
I’ve now been with the girl for almost two years.
July 8th, 2009 at 4:32 am
no makeouts = Surfer Rosa
pro makeouts = Merriwether Post Pavilion
July 8th, 2009 at 4:51 am
no, I’m pretty sure you got it spot on with Purple Rain being the sexiest sexin’ song ever. I can’t think of a better song to bone to.
Although I think least sexy might be (well there are so many, but up there would be) Scarlet Pussy, also by Prince. It’s just too hilarious, and also makes you think of an actual cat who badly needs to be spayed or laid.
July 8th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Super Sexy: She Wants Revenge… esp. “Tear You Apart”
Surprisingly Sexy: The Katamari Damacy soundtrack
Un-Sexy: Thrash Metal…. sorry just can’t work with that.
This is the type of thing my friends and I always talk about.
July 8th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Not much for background music either, but …
SEXY: “I Touch Myself” by The Divinyls. An old song, yes, but if you can listen to this without really, really, really wanting to touch someone (or, if all else fails, yourself) after it’s over — check your pulse, you may be dead.
UNSEXY: Anything by Venom, Slayer, or Danzig. All that hideously pretentious “evil metal” crap. Ooh, you’re sooooo scary. Shut up. The devil gets no love!
July 8th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Yes: Moby’s album “Play” is still one of my favorites, even if it’s kind of an odd cultural artifact now. Also, these tracks: “No Confidence” by The ZX81s, “Oh Mandy” by The Spinto Band, “6 Undergound” by the Sneaker Pimps, “Numb” by Portishead, and the obvious “Something About Us” by Daft Punk. Really, most of “Discovery” even for all its quirks.
No: I agree with the choice of “Thriller.” But also any radio pop album, because aside from the fact that they’re all annoying shills, they market them to be ’sexy’ and it pisses me off.
July 8th, 2009 at 8:27 am
An interesting question!!!
Sexiest : When the Levee Breaks by Led Zeppelin , both myself and my woman enjoy Led Zeppelin and the primal sounds of the guitar , harmonica , and drums get us going .
Least Sexy : Danny Boy , nuff’ said .
July 8th, 2009 at 8:34 am
SEXY: Glory Box by Portishead
UNSEXY: Nobody Likes A Bogan by Area 7
July 8th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Avalon by Roxy Music
July 8th, 2009 at 9:59 am
There is an Alpha Team remix (well, a set of them) of the Speed Racer theme song.
One is specifically remixed to be a pr0n soundtrack. Built. Of. Win.
“Here he comes, here comes Speed Racer!”
Sexy: +1 to Sneaker Pimps
Unsexy (but still an album I own) Pantera’s Vulgar Display of Power. Ah, my angry college days.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Least Sexy: DOA, by Bloodrock. (The protaganist is in an ambulance with the attendant telling him about all the pieces he doesn’t have any more. The last line is “God in Heaven, teach me how to *die*!!” and they turn the siren off.
I roomed with a guy who had, in the whole world, one record, a single of this song. I can guarentee its ability to destroy any mood whatsoever.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Sexy: just about any song from Bitter:Sweet’s The Mating Game
Unsexy: Cake, that voice and it’s too tempting to sing/talk along to
July 8th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Once had sex to A Perfect Circle. Anything slightly grunge is awesome for sex. Unfortunately, what comes on immediately after A Perfect Circle if iTunes is playing in alphabetical order is the anti-sex– ABBA.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Sexiest: Sarah McLachlan – Fumbling Towards Ecstasy. I’m certain an entire generation of children born in the mid-nineties were created to the sounds of this CD
Least Sexy: Me First and the Gimme Gimmes – Take a Break. I love these guys, but they know just how to surgically remove anything remotely sexy from an R&B song, which makes this record hilarious but decidedly >not< sexy.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Someone mentioned Bowie as being sexy, but he has at least one definitely unsexy song: “The Laughing Gnome”. It’s a freaky song for children rife with bad gnome puns.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Sexiest: Enigma
Least Sexy: Yanni
July 8th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Sexiest: “Sheltering Sky” – King Crimson (give it a try)
Least Sexy: I have too long a list of musical turn-offs to post.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Sexiest: How has no one said Al Greene?
Unsexy: any tears-in-my-beer country (take your pick)
July 8th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Sexy: Goldfrapp (especially Felt Mountain)
Not sexy: Alanis Morissette
Sexy: Amon Tobin
Not sexy: Aphex Twin
I bet we could turn this into a drinking game…
July 8th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
I refer you to this recent Charlie Brooker column from the Guardian:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/jun/08/charlie-brooker-spotify-compilation-tapes-relationships
July 8th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Both in a similar vein, but there are some fundamental differences:
Least sexy – Art of Noise, Skinny Puppy
Sexiest – Nine Inch Nails, My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult
July 8th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Sexy: Funkadelic, Standing on the Verge of Getting it on
Unsexy: Neil Diamond, Just for You….. or anything by the Eagles
July 8th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Sexy: Sébastien Tellier’s La Ritournelle (Spotify it)
Not sexy: Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music (unless you’re a robot)
Regarding Robert de Forest’s unsexy labelling of Aphex Twin, I’d say the song Windowlicker falls into ’sexy’, even if the video is nightmarish. A chunk of his ambient stuff is VERY make-out-to-able.
July 8th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
I actually lost my virginity to Aphex Twin.
However, one of my friends lost hers with Adult Swim playing on a TV in the room, which seems worse.
Sexiest? Probably Pulp. “Sheffield Sex City” is one of the sexiest songs ever.
Least sexy? The guy who lived downstairs from me and thought he could sing – and did so all the time. It was more like howling, and it ruined many a moment, sexy or otherwise.
Also, don’t think I could do it to Hank Williams.
July 8th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Sexiest music, I think of Marvin Gaye, D’Angelo (!), and occasionally Massive Attack’s “Mezzanine” (the album).
Least sexy song is bound to be “Popcorn” by Hot Butter, despite the name. Maybe if you’re Torpor this qualifies as sexy, but in all other cases it’s impossible.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Sexy: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon soundtrack
Un-sexy: High School Musical 2 soundtrack
July 9th, 2009 at 1:15 am
It’s okay, Sarah — I lost mine to Air Supply’s Greatest Hits. (I know, sad.)
Also unsexy — any contemporary Christian music except for Ashley Cleveland. I like CCM, but you just can’t make out to it, as it keeps distracting you from the flesh.
July 9th, 2009 at 2:09 am
i submit that there is no sexier song than deftones – digital bath. i’m just saying. and ANYTHING from 80’s “power ballads” would be the LEAST sexy music. that’s just music for retards to imbreed to.
July 9th, 2009 at 2:37 am
Teh Sex: “Protection” – Massive Attack
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Epgo8ixX6Wo
Teh Sex, NOT: “Chuck Solids” – Derek And The Wrecks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wO5UwwatrZM
July 9th, 2009 at 3:37 am
We like to do it to a random mix of NIN and Rilo Kiley.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:25 am
Sexier: Portishead: “Wandering Star”.
I have it on good authority that song was actually composed to the rhythms of people having sex.
Sexiest: Goldfrapp: “Strict Machine” or “Crystalline Green”. Seriously, if Strict Machine comes on when I’m in the car, I’m sweaty and driving 100mph by the time it’s over.
Unse.cx: For some reason I have “Prince Abi” from Aladdin in my music library. Stupid non-genius Party Shuffle.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Un-sexy: “Stuck in the Middle with You” due to the torture scene in Reservoir Dogs.
Sexy: Anything by Morphine. I prefer the album Cure for Pain, which actually has a song titled “Super Sex”
July 10th, 2009 at 4:25 am
sexy: you’re right on with prince. I’d add U2 as well (if you don’t listen to the lyrics too closely). usher (slow earlier ones, not Yeah! era songs). weezer blue, green, and red album. smashing pumpkins siamese dream.
not so much: anything by katy perry.
it’s cool that people still put on music for mood setting. classy is not dead!
July 10th, 2009 at 9:27 am
What happened to all the geeky readers out there? I’ve got sexy and unsexy all on one album:
sexy: “V’Ger Flyover” from the Star Trek:The Motion Picture soundtrack. Deep and throbbing and slow and mysterious. My girlfriend at the time and I were getting into the tangle of tongues and touching of parts to this.
unsexy: “Spock Walk” from the Star Trek:The Motion Picture soundtrack. When the music blares at the point where Spock’s rocket pack ignites, we just about jumped through the roof. Killed the mood instantly.
July 10th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
When I saw someone put down Cake for unsexy, I laughed so hard I almost cried. So true.
I’m not even going to delve into the realm of not-music like William Shatner covering “The Legend of Bilbo Baggins.”
Unsexy – Anything Skrewdriver, Napalm Death’s “Scum”, LedZep’s “D’yer Mak’er”, anything Burzum, Fantomas, Insane Clown Posse (not that I’ve ever even listened to a whole song all the way through)
Sexy – Deftones’ “The Passenger”, Pretty much anything by Tricky, Joan Osborne’s “Relish” with “One of Us” pulled out of the playlist (SERIOUSLY, whole album IGNORED ’cause of the STUPID SINGLE!)
July 10th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Most Sexy: White Zombie, More Human than Human. this is the sexiest song alive, and I at times fast forward through the moaning in the intro – because that is not the sexiest part of that song, oh no.
Unsexy: Anything on a pop radio station these days.
July 12th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Sexy – anything by Tiga
Unsexy – a few people mentioned comedy… well I have Dane Cook on my iPod and the WORST track ever to come on during is……. “the itchy a@#hole sketch” I really doubt anything could be worse
July 13th, 2009 at 1:57 am
(i haven’t scrolled through all the comments, so forgive me if i duplicate)
Sexiest: Lovage – Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By
Least: Space Ghost Musical Barbecue–trust that one to a firsthand experience with “shuffle.”
July 13th, 2009 at 2:04 am
Most sexy (and likely “most shagged to”, over the years)- MAZZY STAR, So That Tonight I Might See.
I still have no idea what Faith Sandoval is singing about, it’s just been fantastic to have the album on repeat, because (with apologies to the artists) it’s like a pair of speakers oozing sexy woman sounds, with a decent band.
Also – Sorry, Serge Gainsbourg.
Least Sexy (and recently taken off stereo post-haste!) – Kraftwerk: Man Machine, or anything (with vocals) by the Beastie Boys.
*Damned iTunes Shuffle, left on.
July 13th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
not = yellow submarine
teh sex = distant lovers
July 16th, 2009 at 4:38 am
I lost my virginity to the Windows 95 error sound on loop, playing about once every five minutes. The explanation for this is not as fun as the ones I make up in my head.
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Had to laugh at lots o these!
Sexy- Sublime 40oz to Freedom
Unsexy- Frank Zappa Sheik Yerbouti (I heart FZ, can’t groove to it)